Relationship Rules

I recently went to see The Ugly Truth with friends and afterward, found myself wondering about relationship rules. Why do girls feel the need to adjust who they truly are, what they wear, what they like to do – all in the name of appealing to or “getting” the guy? I am not suggesting that both sexes should stop trying new things with each other even if you don’t want to.  I have found that being in the right company changes the dynamics of things so much that I like things I never used to. This is a good thing. I didn’t change my entire being though!

I really hated that book that came out with the formal rules girls were supposed to follow in order to get the guy. Then one of the writers from Sex and the City writes that book that is turned into a movie, He’s Just Not That Into You.  Notice, both books are for women to get us to wake up to the ‘facts’ (more like gobbledygook if you ask me) about how to gain a guy, not repel him.

Funny, in The Ugly Truth, Heigl’s character is her true self and Gerard Butler’s character ends up falling for her, just as she is.  She breaks up with the guy she thought she was into after she reveals she has been playing a version of herself that isn’t even her. Did she do this because she finally missed herself? Because she was tired of the charade? Or because she and Gerard Butler’s character finally realized their feelings for each other and she could be herself again?

For those Grey’s Anatomy fans out there, who doesn’t remember the “pick me, choose me, love me” scene in which Meredith tries to appeal to Derek when he is trying to decide to divorce Addison or not; this after Addison had an affair with his best friend.  Honestly, even typing those words, I can feel her anguish and her desire to have her fairy tale ending. Yes, yes, we all know where things are now! Do women identify with that scene in particular because we have had those moments ourselves?

I know, I know, just another movie version of a fairy tale.  Many movies are just one version of a fairy tale or another, with everything being all neatly tied up in the end with a bow. Life is not like a fairy tale.  We all deeply know this, but my question is, do we really? Or, do we secretly hope for the fairy tales in our own lives to come true?

For the record, I am a hopeless romantic and yes, I do hope the guy I have feelings for picks me, chooses me, loves me. Just as I am. This is still my hope and one day, I know it will come true.

Another rant?

I used to love listening to Dennis Miller’s rants. I even have two of his rant-related books.  They make me laugh at their honesty but also their absurdity.

At times, Seth Godin does this too.  Right now, he and I are in a parallel situation. I have been selecting textbooks for a 9-course program I am creating and am finding the textbooks to be anything but what I want or need.  But instead of me ranting, check out his post.  I had one of those ‘heck ya, you said it’ kind of moments after I read it.

It seems that the more I review textbooks, the more I am shocked by the prices –a paperback, 9th Edition leadership book is $150. WHY??  And am equally shocked by the repetitive text. Doesn’t anyone have anything new to say based on projects that have occurred in the past 3 years? Why are we still dissecting projects from twenty years ago? No mistaking their value, but there have been some recent projects that would be more interesting to dissect if you ask me. Apparently they didn’t.

As a professor, but also a student, I can agree with some of Seth’s final statements,  “This industry deserves to die. It has extracted too much time and too much money and wasted too much potential. We can do better. A lot better”.   He’s right. We really could do a lot better.

What makes up attraction?

This is a question I ask myself frequently.  I would love to say that it’s a recent question, but in one form or another, I have been asking myself this since at least high school.

Why are we attracted to people? Why is someone attracted to Vince Vaughn versus Tom Cruise versus Brad Pitt versus Will Ferrell?  And for the record, if I had to be trapped on an island, I would pick Vince.  Tom and Brad wouldn’t even make into my top 100, which is precisely my point!  I have never been attracted to Tom Cruise or Brad Pitt.  Shoot, when they were both in that Vampire movie, I am sure there were girls who fainted twice just thinking about it. Me, I thought they both ruined the movie.  Popularity does not necessarily equate to talent, at least not in my opinion.

So, back to the topic.  Why do these two guys leave me looking in the other direction, while other girls wouldn’t agree with my choice of Vince Vaughn?  The same I wonder about in reverse. Why do guys find some girls more attractive over another?  And more importantly than all of this, how do you maintain that attraction between two people? I am sure that is really the heart of my whole quandary to begin with.

I was recently watching The Opposite of Sex with Christina Ricci. It’s a great movie that I first saw in Maine at the Railroad Cinema. If you can get past some of the non-pc stuff and just enjoy it for it is, it’s a funny movie (gotta really listen – the jabs come fast and furious sometimes).  But there is one exchange that has continually stuck in the back of my head since seeing it about ten years ago.  Lyle Lovett’s character, Carl, is talking to Lucia (played by fantastically Lisa Kudrow) about sex.  He says that maybe the point of sex isn’t recreation or procreation or any of that stuff. Say it’s concentration. Say it’s supposed to focus your attention on the person you’re sleeping with, like biological highlighter.

For almost ten years, that has been in the back of my head rattling around.  It’s a pretty powerful little concept.  And if you really think about it, this makes tremendous sense. If you have ever had that wall come up between you and another, where the little intimacies of holding hands, kissing, cuddling, jokes only you two share stop, and the sex becomes less and less frequent, then you know that it isn’t just the act of sex that builds and develops your attraction, but all the other components.  Without that attention to him or her, or that specific concentration on the two of you, then why are you even with that person?

Biological highlighter. It’s a pretty intriguing concept.

Do you want a flat stomach?

Well, that picture appears to have the answer (courtesy of my fave dose of daily laughter)!  All you need to do is position yourself so that you smush your stomach and all is taken care of. Ta da!

Am I the only one who thinks that all of these ads  on Google, Facebook, spam emails, etc. to flatten your stomach are ridiculous?  Hasn’t the world pretty much refuted the success of diets, quick-loss schemes, and other fads?  We are a nation that is fatter than ever. This stuff isn’t working folks! So apparently, buying into the hype is just that – buying!  Save your money and love yourself just the way you are.

Laugh more. Live more. Enjoy more.  That is what life is about, not about the quest for the flattest stomach.

Are you like the Runaway Bride?

I found myself watching the last half of Julia Robert’s Runaway Bride the other night. I wasn’t in the mood to read, study, clean or even watch tv actually, but I needed to unwind and it was too late to do anything else.  I never really like this movie when I first saw it however after seeing it again, I find it very interesting.

Julia Roberts portrays Maggie, a woman who has been engaged three times but has never said I do.  As Ike the Reporter uncovers more about her, we learn that she becomes a bit of a relationship chameleon with whomever she is with at the time.  Originally, I thought this premise wasn’t realistic and that the reporter (Richard Gere) falling in love with her was just as suspect.  That part not withstanding (he’s Richard Gere for God’s sake), I do think women are more amoebic when it comes to relationships.

We tend to try something we have absolutely no interest in whatsoever if our significant other loves it.  We know that most of the fun is just being with him, especially when he’s happy doing his thing (whatever the heck that may be).  It doesn’t mean that we need to lose our own identity and interests in the process, but that can happen. Why? Because it is not as often that our significant others will try something we like for no other reason than because they want to spend time with us.

Aww c’mon you say, that’s just stereotyping.  Really? If you are a male reading this, does your girlfriend/spouse have to beg you to go to the theater, a musical, a “girlie” movie, etc.? Do you put up a fight and finally give in by making some deal “I’ll go if you do this for me (whatever that may be for the two of you)? “  If you are female reading this, how often have you gone to a nascar race, football game (+ TAILGATE), fishing, hunting, a boat show, etc. even though it was the last thing you wanted to do?   I know, in both cases, there are some on both sides that like the particular examples I have given. Is there something else though that you wish your significant other would never, ever ask you to do with him or her again? Exactly.

As we learn, Maggie has lost her sense of self.  She ends up liking whatever eggs the guy she is dating likes.  Each of her engagement rings reflects the taste of her fiance, not her. Even the show (or what others would call the ceremony) is more about the taste of the fiance not a reflection of her, or them.  Maggie deeply realizes this, which is why she hasn’t been able to marry the three previous boyfriends. She runs again, for the fourth time on Ike, only to seek him out later and ask him to marry her after she examines who she is (and isn’t) and her life as the town joke.

What are you like in a relationship?  Do you have the space to do things on your own? Do you do things together, sometimes not necessarily what the other would want? Do you make time to do the things you both love to do?  My belief is that the healthier the relationship, the more you weave these moments into your lives.  But what do I know??

What was I thinking?

I am in the midst of writing my thesis for my master’s program.  The final draft is due in five weeks and for some reason that just doesn’t seem like enough time.  I have no idea what I was thinking!  It was around this time exactly three years ago that I was starting my final class for my MBA.  Our final class in the program was writing a thesis of no less than a 100 pages in 10 weeks.  Mind you, that 10 weeks consisted of determining your topic, gaining topic approval, researching the literature, and doing some sort of survey or questionnaire, while also writing the paper.  It was a mind-boggling time.  Our support network was huge in the program (I highly encourage this and couldn’t have managed it without my school chums) and there wasn’t a day that went by that I didn’t talk to my friend Rodney at least once during his thesis or mine (more like five times).  (Thanks Rodney!!)

Why would I put myself through that torture again?  I can honestly tell you I have no idea. I found a great MS program in Leadership that I wanted to study and so I went for it. I was already enrolled in a PhD program but asked for a leave of absence.  And now, 13 months later, I want to bonk myself on the head!  Telling myself that there is only 12 more weeks to go isn’t really helping either because I know that time will go fast and not slow down like time usually does when you become more aware of it.

For right now, I will just keep doing what I do best when things get a little heady – laugh.  I will do this in any way imaginable – talking on the phone, watching comedians, people watching, going out with friends, making my cats chase a laser light they can never catch, or visiting some of my fave websites that always knock me out.  But I still can’t help but wonder what I was thinking last May when I started this!

The laughter is still with us

It was a bit shocking to learn of George Carlin’s death.  I guess I was so used to seeing him look what seemed the same way for so long, that in my mind he wasn’t aging anymore.  I had the opportunity to see him once about five years ago in Raleigh, North Carolina. I thought he was great and my sides heart like crazy from the laughter.  I ended up not seeing the whole show due to a date issue (that is another story all together) but have always been grateful that I was able to see him at least once.

I know there are people who follow bands, etc. like a religion. I have a friend who followed Jimmy Buffet, another who followed The Allman Brothers, etc.  I was never one of those kinds of people.  Maybe I am just too boring, or maybe it’s because I look for the next adventure, I am not sure.  I was able to see Jerry Seinfeld perform shortly after the television show ended. That was a great night and I never thought I would stop laughing.  I don’t need to see him every city; I just needed to see him in one city.

Right now, my goal is to see Jim Gaffigan perform in Omaha this coming October (probably because he’s a Hoosier, like myself). So far, I don’t have someone to go with or a date, but hopefully that will change in the near future.  Sure, I have seen him on Comedy Central do a show and love him on TBS’s My Boys, but I would like to see him in person just once.  For me, one time is all I need.  I count myself lucky that I had my opportunity with George Carlin, a true comedian and artist.