“Out”ing of another kind

I was passively listening to Good Morning America last week while I was getting ready for work and heard Glenn Close talk about her sister’s mental illness. The interviewer, I have no idea who it was, asked Glenn how she felt about being “outed” for her sister’s mental illness.  Are you kidding me? This is a horrible way to perpetuate the idea that having a mental illness of any kind is something to be ashamed of, hidden, and never discussed.  Tom Cruise started this firestorm when he attacked Matt Lauer about postpartum depression indicating it as a non-entity (many new moms loudly disagreed and thank you for doing so). And now we have someone on Good Morning America indicating its shameful to share if you have depression, anxiety, or anything similar and if you do, you shouldn’t have.

Why all the labels and their negative connotations? I have talked about labeling before, though more from a personality assessment perspective, but this really bothers me.  Why is it bad that someone has anxiety or depression?  There are many types of depression (and anxiety too) by the way but most think of clinical depression. That is one, but there is also situational depression.  When I think about situational depression, I think about the book Eat, Pray, Love. The main character ends up going on a yearlong adventure to escape, cleanse, and become whole again after a particularly ugly divorce.  This is not a bad thing. Something and someone she believed in died, in a sense, and she is sad and mourning that loss.

I have had my own bouts with depression, anxiety, and obsessive-compulsive behavior. I am not, nor will I ever be, ashamed or embarrassed that I have been through these states and sought help from them.  In fact the times when I felt shy about it when I have shared this and gotten the pity look, like I was now irrevocably broken.  I was not as open to getting the helps I needed. But as you get older, you want resolutions, you want help, you want answers.  I was insightful enough about myself to realize things weren’t working quite like I wanted and even sometimes even saw what I was doing that I wished I was not. But I could never quite make the changes needed or make them stick for longer than a second or two.  I needed help to change my mindset and my behaviors and I thank the wonderful people who have helped me on my journey back to me. I have often shared how seeking help gave me the ability to take what I knew about myself and dig deeper within to move forward.  And this from someone who rarely asks for help!!

Don’t always listen to those in the media or “out there” in the world. Sometimes, they aren’t right. Sometimes they are. You have a right to make up your own mind to agree or disagree.  Alcoholism, cancer, anorexia, mental illness, and more. None need be a dirty word.

what makes a great gift?

I know this sounds like an odd question, but with birthday, weddings, and the holidays coming up, this question struck me.  Or maybe it was the holiday decorations up in a few places that prompted this thought.

I haven’t been big on gifts for about the last ten years or so.  I think this started when I was married. I would really think about the person, their hobbies, etc., then find something they would like.  I was often told I was a great gift giver. I can’t answer if that is true or not, but I sure tried. On the other hand, I would get things that seemed completely incongruent with who I am and wonder, why doesn’t my family know me enough to realize that I wouldn’t like a putter?  I haven’t golfed since college with any regularity nor much desire.  (By the way, this specific scenario never happened, but is reminiscent of a similar gift giving situation). This isn’t about being grateful or ungrateful – we all appreciate the gifts we receive.

To me the question is more about time and love.  Instead of gifts, why not share your time doing things you love to do together? Why not take a trip. Or see a play. Or go to a museum. Or host a party. Or go to a wine tasting. Or go to a concert. Or go to Jazz on the Green. There a ton of things you can do to show that you care and instead of giving a trinket that will be forgotten, share some time and maybe an event together. The ultimate gift: make it a celebration and create a memory.  There will still be times that a gift is more appropriate but in those times it isn’t, why not try it another way and see what happens?

Have we lost our manners?

I have noticed lately that our humanity is a bit lacking lately. Specifically, I mean manners and courtesy.  Here are some of the things that have happened in the recent past:

• taking a call from your cell phone while in the movie theater watching a movie. When patrons asked the guy to take his call outside, he actually snapped back at them to mind their own business.
• people don’t seem to let other cars merge into traffic much anymore. It seems that they are in their own world or chatting away on their cell phones to notice that they might consider moving over one lane so cars could merge in.
• when there are traffic backups, I don’t see the hand wave when someone lets another car in.  It seems like this bit of courtesy is sorely lacking. I did my own personal experiment and of the 20 times I did this in traffic jams, only once did I get the hand wave.
• I completely understand the use of cell phones and at times, believe they have really helped people in many ways. There are also times I curse them. The aforementioned movie example is one thing (and we could all hear that he was being asked to bring home milk on his way home) but I have also noticed people talk about banal things while they are shopping. I don’t know about you, but I don’t need to know about someone’s life while I grocery shop.  And it seems that they talk quite loudly and care little that you now know about their toenail infection, or affairs, or work challenges, or all similar topics. If this was an emergency, it would seem understandable, but just chatting for chatting’s sake?
• opening doors for one another seems to be making a resurgence.  I had noticed some time ago that is wasn’t as prevalent as it used to be, but not anymore. I see more women, including myself, open or hold doors open for others.
• when did it become a priority for those getting on the elevator to move in first instead of letting those who need to get out, go first?  It seems that whenever I have to ride an elevator and am getting off at my floor, I get pushed out of the way by those getting in.  Wouldn’t make sense to let me out so there’s more room for those getting in?
• there seems to be a growing consistency with folks not moving in aisles.  You are walking down the aisle of a store, for example, the person or persons see that you coming toward them but they do not move over to let you pass.  In the event they have children, it’s a 50/50 chance that they pull their children aside for you to pass.  Even after saying excuse me, many times they still don’t move. It’s very odd to me.
• the last bit of curiosity I have is about guarantees. What is the point of a guarantee if the company makes it so hard for one to utilize it or receive what they are due?  I have recently had the experience in which I attended a workshop but it did not meet their own guidelines regarding subsequent usage. I called to let them know and then inquired about the guarantee  for greater assistance.  I was told that yes, they would further assist as stated. Then they proceeded to send me a 5-page questionnaire asking why their product didn’t work for me and how I might have not implemented it properly.  Fine, I understand their perspective and complied.  Then after that document, I received another one asking for even more detail about what I might have done wrong, how I could have executed things better, etc. So far, that one has taken about 3 hours to complete. When I shared it with them, I was told it was incomplete and didn’t provide enough information.  All I am asking for is for the company to live up to their guarantee and further assist me with their product.  I have fully regretted its purchase now and will not be any means recommend it to a single person. I will furthermore, if asked, tell people of my experience. In this post however, I will denigrate the company itself.

I still believe in the heart and soul of people. I have witnessed great humanity, caring and selfless behavior as well.  But I ask myself when I see things that are otherwise, why it has to be that way?  Have we become so isolated and insular to our own worlds that we cannot see beyond that? It’s just a curious observation and by no means believe that what I have said above is an indictment on all of society or all of its people. However, I would like to know why we can’t all get along better than we do sometimes. And lest you believe it’s just my perception, the messages I have gotten on Twitter, emails from a prior post, and the status messages I have seen on Facebook and other sites, tells me that this is something everyone has experienced a bit as well.  What has your experience been?

The email quandary

I have read many bloggers talking about email lately.  Zen Habits discussed the elimination of email all together and has since reduced his email usage quite significantly, but not all together. Productivity 501 shares best practices for email usage. Today, I received an email (!!) from the Thin Pink Line discussing this very same addiction, as they referred to it.

There are some tried and true email rules that are frequently shared in some of these blogger’s posts. Or in articles or magazines. Some of them are: don’t check email when you first get up or get into the office.  Only check email once in the morning and once in the afternoon.  Turn off the new email chime as well as the little envelope that appears in your lower right status bar so that you are not a slave to new mail arriving.

It is interesting that you notice those things that you are actually wondering about within yourself.  I noticed one day in the recent past that I was basically in my work email all day long. I was constantly refreshing and just basically being less than productive because I was allowing myself to become a slave to the emails that I thought might come in, or actually did.  I noticed I did this for most of the day up through dinner. As I was sitting and having dinner, I thought about what I needed to do the next day and realized that I had wasted the day being less than productive on other work I wanted to accomplish. All because I either checked my email constantly or worked from my email all day long.

This is highly inefficient and definitely not the best use of my time.  The following weekend, I promptly turned off my computer and turned off my cell phone. I enjoyed a weekend filled with time, meeting up with friends and luxuriously enjoying their company, and being outside without a care in the world.  I felt like I was on vacation.  My brain didn’t feel taxed and I didn’t feel twitchy because my email was dinging away at me.  It was by far the least technically attached I have been in a while. I highly recommend it.  Maybe you don’t turn off your cell like I did if that is your only telephonic source, but instead you turn off the beeps or vibrations of your email and text.  All I can say is, it was a relief to not be so connected.  Have you changed your email habits lately?

How do you spend your day?

I have noticed quite a few bloggers talking about this lately, including Stephen King in his Entertainment Weekly column and a mention in the New York Times regarding the topic.   So, how do you spend your day? It used to be that talk was solely about time spent watching tv and that our average in the US was about 5 hours a day. When you consider that you work at least 10 hours (commute time, lunch or errands and the actual work day) and we sleep for about seven, five hours of our day devoted to tv sure seems like a lot.

Some of my friends say that they aren’t actually watching tv, but it is on, like background music.  Interestingly, now the question has become how much time are we spending in front of a screen, be it tv, computer, iPhone, blackberry, etc.  There are many articles talking about how much time Gen X and even Boomers are spending online, with Facebook especially!

Some bloggers are now putting the kibosh on some of their online activities because their personal inventory led them to the conclusion that 4 hours of emailing a day is not the best use of their time. Or spending 3 hours a day on Facebook, Twitter, and other sites when they would rather be with their kids, friends, or pursuing their personal dreams. Others are indicating they have recently sold their tv’s and gotten rid of cable in favor of utilizing other avenues when a true viewing need arises.

What I love about the New York Times graphic is not only the entries of what we do, but when we do these activities with the most frequency. I enjoyed playing with the different buttons to see how things differed by age, degree, etc.  What kind of insights does it give you?

Do you want to be a mermaid or a whale?

I wanted to share this story that I received from my friend Angela. It made me smile and reminds me of one of my recent tweets:  The image of perfection doesn’t exist so accept yourself as you are

Recently, in a large French city, a poster featuring a young, thin and tan woman appeared in the window of a gym. It said: THIS SUMMER DO YOU WANT TO BE A MERMAID OR A WHALE?

A middle aged woman, whose physical characteristics did not match those of the woman on the poster, responded publicly to the question posed by the gym.

To Whom It May Concern:

Whales are always surrounded by friends (dolphins, sea lions, curious humans). They have an active sex life, they get pregnant and have adorable baby whales. They have a wonderful time with dolphins stuffing themselves with shrimp. They play and swim in the seas, seeing wonderful places like Patagonia, the Bering Sea and the coral reefs of Polynesia. Whales are wonderful singers and have even recorded CDs. They are incredible creatures and virtually have no predators other than humans. They are loved, protected and admired by almost everyone in the world.

Mermaids don’t exist. If they did exist, they would be lining up outside the offices of Argentinean psychoanalysts due to identity crisis. Fish or human? They don’t have a sex life because they kill men who get close to them not to mention how could they have sex? Therefore they don’t have kids either. Not to mention who wants to get close to a girl who’s skin is all scaly and smells like a fish store?

The choice is perfectly clear to me… I want to be a whale.

P.S. We are in an age when media puts into our heads the idea that only skinny people are beautiful, but I prefer to enjoy an ice cream with my grandkids, a good dinner with a man who makes me shiver and a latte with my friends. With time, we gain weight because we accumulate so much information and wisdom in our heads that when there is no more room, it distributes out to the rest of our bodies. So we aren’t heavy, we are enormously cultured, educated and happy. Beginning today, when I look at my butt in the mirror I will think, “Good gosh, look how smart I am!”

Blogs of the World II

I am a fan of two sites with a similar themes and wish in fact that what they were striving for were the status quo instead of the few.  But I notice that the concepts are coming into favor more and more.

The first blog is from Cali and Jody, who wrote a book called Work Sucks and How to Fix It that discusses their concept of ROWE, or the Results Only Work Environment. It’s a fantastic read and is where I learned of their term sludge, which I have used in past posts.  The first company to implement a ROWE was Best Buy and was subsequently profiled in BusinessWeek. Essentially, people work when they need to, not when they have to or because they need to put in their 8 hours, which leads to unproductive websurfing and other time wasters to “put in the time”, otherwise known as presenteeism.  Reminds me of George Costanza and his look-busy-philosophy to appease his bosses.

Right now, the post that has been resonating with me is about summer hours.  I have many different jobs but within one, they have instituted summer hours for the month of June and July.  For these two months, all that is required is that I am available virtually (email or phone) for five hours a week.  I do not need to be in the office at any time for these two months. However, I still go to my office on occasion as I have meetings and other resource needs, and sometimes because I would rather work there than at home. I have noticed that I am almost drowning in sludge by the time I leave by many of the same coworkers who benefit from these summer hours. WHY? I wonder this every time and then decidedly stay away even more to avoid the crush of sludge.  Why is this necessary?  If everyone is doing their respective jobs, the needs of our customers are being met, and objectives are adhered to, why why why?  It just boggles my mind.

The other blog is from Ashley Acker, PhD, who is also a ROWE proponent.  One of her recent posts about onboarding in a virtual world captured my attention as this is a subset of my dissertation topic.  Her goal is to help organizations restyle their culture to be more ROWE-oriented and is grounded in extensive research.

Each of these blogs really speak to me, as I have long been an outspoken proponent of working to your own preferences. I think punching a clock can be absurb as well as having people work certain hours because that’s when you deem they should work. Why not let people work when it is best for them? This may not work in every occupation, but for those that do, why the limitations and the restrictions? I wonder how much control plays a factor into this. Regardless, asking people to work 8-5 every day, even if they prefer working 6-3 or 10-7, or having them do ‘busy work’ to fill an 8-hour day seems oddly ineffective and fiscally wasteful.  We have all worked our share of long days, at home in the evenings after a full day at the office, over the weekend, etc. So don’t you think you will get the time back if, say, a person left at 4 instead of 5 one day?  Just a thought.

Blogs of the world

I am a big fan of Google Reader via my iGoogle page. Once I log in, I settle in with my bowl of cereal each morning and check out new postings of the various blogs I love to read. I have a huge variety and enjoy this solitude in the morning to start my day in a positive, energizing, and thoughtful way.  I found it interesting at a recent Happiness Club meeting, that many of the Happyologists and myself started sharing the various blogs that mean something to each of us and how they impact our lives.  So, I thought, why not open the conversation a bit more? I am going to share one or two with you and hope that you will share some of your favorites with me. I am very interested in learning about the blogs that mean something to you. Here’s my first share from Phil Gerbyshak – the below is completely and fully written by him, including the picture tag. He’s got an infectious way about him as a writer, which I enjoy! Hope you do too.

10 Commandments of Social Media

by Phil Gerbyshak, the Make It Great Guy!

Social media is meant to be just that…social – media. So I’ve come up with what I think is a great list of commandments to follow if you’re new OR experienced in social media.

1 – Thou shalt add value first, and sell LAST – If you have zero people in your network, and 3 articles on your blog, telling me about a joint venture opportunity I can REALLY benefit from is not going to work. Instead, leave a nice comment that adds value to one of my articles, or better, write an article on your own site that references my article, and then send me an e-mail letting me know about it.

2 – Thou shalt listen twice as much as you talk – You have two ears, and one mouth. Please use them in that proportion! Pay attention and pick your spots to contribute. You are NOT an expert in everything, no matter what you might think.

3 – Thou shalt not spam all your contacts – Just because we are connected, doesn’t mean I’ve given you permission to spam me with every time you come up with a new idea. Ask me…and I may give you permission.

4 – Thou shalt not act like a stuck up jerk, no matter how many folks are following you on any/every platform.  In fact, I would say ESPECIALLY if you have a million folks who follow you. Seth Godin is a very friendly guy who responds to email, blog posts, and other things directed at him. If Seth Godin can make time to reply to email, so can you!

5 – Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s contacts – After I meet folks in person, I often invite them to connect with me on the various social media networks I’m part of, and I am always happy to introduce you to someone who can help you, or who you can help. I always USED TO say: “If there is anyone in my network you’d like to meet, let me know and I’ll be happy to make the introduction.” I say USED TO because I had someone who went through my network and cherry picked more than 50 people to make a connection to because he thought they could all “benefit from his services.” Guess how many I introduced him to? HINT: It rhymed with hero! Instead, I now say “Let me know of 1 or 2 people in my network you’d like to meet, and what value you can add to their life, and I’ll be happy to introduce you.” That simple twists helps me weed out the spammers!

6 – Thou shall personalize every invitation I make to join any network – automated messages are for robots! Remind me how you know me and why, and it’ll help me remember why I should let you in. Especially annoying: Automated DM after following on Twitter.

7 – Thou shalt remember that 10 can be more powerful than 10000 – If someone has 10 readers to their blog, they might have a little more time to review your book or talk to you than someone who has 10000 readers and is constantly promoting the latest this or that. Therefore 10 can be WAY more powerful than 10000.

8 – Thou shalt not beg (for anything) – Don’t beg me to be your friend, to give you a link, or to connect me to so and so. Just ask nicely, tell me what value you’ll bring to the equation, and I’ll be happy to assist if I can.

9 – Thou shalt be authentic and transparent in all you do – Don’t hide anything from your readers. There’s no shame in promoting people you like, but say you like them. Also, there’s no shame in promoting stuff you believe in for a few dollars in an affiliate program, but don’t be shy about it and hide the URL in something on your domain that forwards to an affiliate link (unless you disclose it). I typically will shorten the URL if I’m doing an affiliate program, or you’ll if it’s short enough, you’ll see it.

10 – Thou shalt take the blog off the blog – Blogging and twittering is GREAT but now and then, go to a conference or two. Enjoy a cup of coffee or brew with someone local to you. Pick up the phone and call someone. Handwrite a thank you note. Take the blog off the blog.

Am I crazy?

Is this too much to ask of folks? Or are these 10 commandments of social media all you need?

Another rant?

I used to love listening to Dennis Miller’s rants. I even have two of his rant-related books.  They make me laugh at their honesty but also their absurdity.

At times, Seth Godin does this too.  Right now, he and I are in a parallel situation. I have been selecting textbooks for a 9-course program I am creating and am finding the textbooks to be anything but what I want or need.  But instead of me ranting, check out his post.  I had one of those ‘heck ya, you said it’ kind of moments after I read it.

It seems that the more I review textbooks, the more I am shocked by the prices –a paperback, 9th Edition leadership book is $150. WHY??  And am equally shocked by the repetitive text. Doesn’t anyone have anything new to say based on projects that have occurred in the past 3 years? Why are we still dissecting projects from twenty years ago? No mistaking their value, but there have been some recent projects that would be more interesting to dissect if you ask me. Apparently they didn’t.

As a professor, but also a student, I can agree with some of Seth’s final statements,  “This industry deserves to die. It has extracted too much time and too much money and wasted too much potential. We can do better. A lot better”.   He’s right. We really could do a lot better.

Do you want a flat stomach?

Well, that picture appears to have the answer (courtesy of my fave dose of daily laughter)!  All you need to do is position yourself so that you smush your stomach and all is taken care of. Ta da!

Am I the only one who thinks that all of these ads  on Google, Facebook, spam emails, etc. to flatten your stomach are ridiculous?  Hasn’t the world pretty much refuted the success of diets, quick-loss schemes, and other fads?  We are a nation that is fatter than ever. This stuff isn’t working folks! So apparently, buying into the hype is just that – buying!  Save your money and love yourself just the way you are.

Laugh more. Live more. Enjoy more.  That is what life is about, not about the quest for the flattest stomach.