To tell or not to tell?

I have noticed a trend lately in movies, books, blogs, etc. about affairs. It would seem that now, more than ever, affairs are occurring.   If you believe what some media states, it’s higher among women than ever.  That is not the trend I have noticed lately. What I have noticed is that when one partner learns of his/her partner’s infidelity and by happenstance also learns that a friend(s) were aware of the situation, this person will go ballistic with “you should have told me’s” and other verbal attacks.

For those of you, like me, who have been in this situation, it’s a tough call.  When it happened to me, I could hear my friend yelling at me in my head to the tune of “why didn’t you tell” and “I thought we were friends” and “doesn’t our friendship mean more to you than that” and other related barbs and also considered if the situation were reversed, I would definitely want to know up front, no matter how much it hurt. So, after I learned my friend Robin’s boyfriend Joe was kissing around behind her back (having seen it firsthand), I went to Robin’s that night after dinner and shared the horrible news.

For all of you who have ever faced this situation and think this is the way to go, let me be the first to tell you that it backfired.  Robin got mad at me.  It was a case of firing the messenger.  She eventually found out the truth on her own (having chosen not to believe me) but we were never the same kind of friends again.

You really cannot win in these situations. But if your friendship truly means anything to you at all, I would still do the same thing again. I did not want her to be humiliated, to be in more pain than she needed to be, and to be able to move forward to find someone who would treat her the way she deserved.  Yes, I would still do it again today even knowing the results.  But I can certainly understand why others say to stay out of it all together.  Either way, there are consequences.  It’s a shame really as the blame, anger, pain, or frustration should be directed at the cheater, but it never fully is.  Humans sure are interesting!