Archive for October, 2009

Who I wish I was

Do you ever wonder about who you are and how you got here?  I think about this sometimes.  I think about growing up and the places we lived.  As a family, we moved around quite a bit, as many of you who read this know.  Sometimes, I can sit and wonder about the way things could have been if we hadn’t moved that one time, or that other time. Recently, I was talking to a great high school friend. We haven’t seen each other since we were sophomores in high school as I moved to another state after that. We were talking about school dances for a minute and then I sighed and said I wished I hadn’t moved away for the final two years of high school.

What does this “what if” game get me? Not much actually is probably most people’s first thought. Or a bunch of wasted time might be another thought.  Sometimes, it really makes me wish for more from the past, which we know I will not get. I can’t change what happened back then. So then, why do I do it?  For me the answer is simple, sometimes, when I think about what I did back then (or didn’t do), it helps me now. I take what I have learned or felt from that long ago experience and apply it to current events.  In this case, would I move away from Omaha?

I am not unhappy in Omaha. Do not misunderstand this at all. I have built a great life here, love the climate, and have met some fantastic people. But the lack of proximity to some of my oldest and closest friends does make me think about moving back to the east coast at times.  But then I think about the past and all the moves I endured as a kid. There were 2 that were quite dramatic, and tragic in a young girl’s eyes, that took much time for me to recover.  When I chose to move to Omaha, I did it with full desire to do so. I did not feel I was running away from anything but instead running toward something. I was looking forward to the adventure of moving my company, enjoying the Midwest again, being closer to some of the sports teams I love, and being closer to the heart of who I am.  If I were to leave Omaha right now, it would not be with a happy heart as it is not a fully realized goal. I have not thought about my job, my company, and other things I would be leaving behind.

And for this, I am grateful for my “what if-ing” because it allows me to see that when we moved around growing up, I was choice-less in the decision.  I felt snatched from my home, my closest friends and for a shy person, from a place I felt accepted and a part of things.  To realize these things is to help me make decisions now. I do have a choice and I have the ability to determine when a move is good for me and when it might not be.

What happens when you play the what-if game?


October 1, 2009 at 10:46 am Leave a comment

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