Have a nice day

March 15, 2010 at 11:18 am Leave a comment

I am always honest about what I am thinking or feeling in the moment that I write.  Unless it is starkly personal and something that I don’t want to share with the world, I will write about it.  So here goes.

I would love to have a nice day.  Since last Tuesday’s chemo, I have not had one. I have had nice moments, a few hours, but not a whole day.  I guess though, many of us could say what I just did on any given day. So in that regard,  I am not asking for pity, nor am I complaining or whining. It is just the way it has been. I don’t often share too much that is going on, or at least I would guess it is more glossed over information. Others tend to tell me I look great and other than the hair loss, it wouldn’t be entirely obvious what I was going through.  I think that fits because I really don’t think I am unique because of this at all. I think we all have some challenges that we are facing; they are just different for each person. So in that respect, what I am going through does not make me any more unique than anyone else, just different. But then again, didn’t we already know I was a bit of a wackadoodle?! haha

The sleep has been horrendous and by that mean, I mean almost non-existent. Even with Lunesta, the 100 mg of prednisone is kicking my butt.  I am often a touch jittery in my hands which is a fun combination with my numb fingertips!  But at night, I cannot get into a deep sleep at all.  Most nights, I either stare at the ceiling, read, or work on the computer.   I saw the clocks change for daylight savings time. It was weird to see a whole hour vanish in one little of the digital minute flip over.  Thankfully, the rest will start to come back this week. Whew!

Not sure why, but the nausea the past week was also much worse.  It just made me want to crawl up and hide from the world. The worse has to have been yesterday.  After many days of just wanting some sleep and only getting about 4 hours each night, I finally got some nice rest.  Then shortly after dinner, boom, my world seemed to cave in and the pain was immense until well after midnight.   It’s a little unnerving to be so hot that sweat just seems to pour out of you and it’s not because you just came from a run or something.  Imagine that cold sweat you get right before you vomit, well I wish I had had that only for a moment.  It later swung to intense chills in which flannel pj’s, flannel sheets, a blanket and 2 quilts could not alter. But both of these feelings were still better than the pain.  And during it all, all I thought was how much I miss my once simple and boring life.

My head knows that this is just my life, temporarily. That this is just where I am and through it all, I will be fine.  As they say, “this too shall pass”.  I know this, but in those moments, it is hard to really internalize that. You just want to be normal, or whatever your definition of normal is, and just fade into the world like anyone else. It’s naive. It’s childish. It’s selfish. But last night, it was the  mental distraction I needed to remember simpler and less scary moments. And since it has been said that “life is made up of moments”, I am truly happy that last night’s are over.

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Entry filed under: Miscellania, thoughts, well-being. Tags: , , .

For others out there like me Quirkology and chemobrain

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