Archive for April, 2010

Friends

Before radiation every day, I chat with the nurse in the clinic. We talk about our cats and other things. She is a great person and always makes me feel like I have come home.  She shared some cat food for my cats to try after one of our conversations. I thought that was just awesome and incredibly thoughtful.  Then the other day, after I left radiation, I visited my pals getting chemo.  It was nice to laugh, catch up, and goof about. Karen then shared with me a gift. She gave me a prayer shawl from her church. It was the most lovely gift I had received, next to a beautiful afghan from Ed and his wife, and hats from Nancy to keep my noggin warm.

People have very open hearts and loving souls.  I am warmed by humanity and helps me to reset my perspective on all of this.

April 30, 2010 at 8:42 am 1 comment

60%

Tomorrow marks my 15th day of radiation. I am 60% done (or so I think).  Similarly to the chemo, I see improvements for a few hours and then, blammo, back to the way it was. I know that I am not supposed to get depressed and no, I am not a doctor (but I’d like to play one on tv). But after six months, I have come to learn things with many discussions with my doctors and right now, my confidence level is not high.  It is out of my control.  I cannot dwell. I cannot fear.  But I also know that being a pollyanna is not going to work either.  I cannot stuff my true feelings down into a well and idly go about smiling and laughing.  There is a medium and I am going to find it.  Because I need it.

April 29, 2010 at 7:41 pm 1 comment

Restrictions

It’s sad.  I no longer feel comfortable to talk about my life, or any topic that I would like, because nowadays, you can lose your job for just about anything. Have a picture on Facebook with you holding a beer? Sorry, we have a more eligible candidate for the job.  Tweet about a lousy policy at your company? I’m sorry, you aren’t management material, ever.  Bitch about your boss?  Sorry, we mailed your stuff, turn around and leave. Do not pass go.

All of these wonderful technological tools that create opportunities to stay connected with friends, gain access to others with your interests, or allow you to write about your life are now being used against us.  It’s a sad world when you cannot feel free to say what you want without fear of reprisal, even if you are not saying a single thing that is incriminating of anyone.

I am waiting to hear how my blogging about my cancer will become a detriment in some way.  It’s coming.  It’s not paranoia, it’s realism. I know I can’t control this so I am letting go of the fear and the thought.  I wonder if being sick right now is having an effect on thoughts. Nope, still me.  Thoughts be gone, and take the fever with you.

April 29, 2010 at 5:29 pm Leave a comment

Day 12

Nope, not counting down the days til my classes are over!  It is Day 12 of 25 for radiation.  I am halfway there.  It’s hard to believe I do this daily, like taking a shower. It has become part of my routine.  So many new adventures, so many new things to learn as a part of this medical process.   I have started to see a bit of progress in other areas, like a wee bit of hair growing back on my legs.  My head still looks the same to me but am sure the little fuzz up there is a bit longer but isn’t discernible yet.  The numb fingertips are still with me as are a few other things that I wish would go away.  The doctor indicated yesterday that I will have residual radiation effects to contend with (internally) for a while too.  It’s a good thing I never wanted kids!!  But overall , life goes on, one day at a time.

April 27, 2010 at 8:09 am Leave a comment

It’s a problem of motivation, Bob

I watched a bit of Office Space yesterday – the best part of the movie in my opinion – when Peter talks to the Bob’s and basically reclaims his backbone against his bosses (he has 8).  If you have never seen this movie, I highly recommend it. The first hour is truly the best.

I have been having a problem with motivation lately. I actually wondered if my home had been an energy-sucking vortex. But nope, that is not it.  I talked to the doctor today after radiation and he told me I would be tired and to give in a bit more. Honestly, I thought I had been!  I have been doing well with work, but when it comes to being a student, I have noticed that I’m just not feeling it.  It’s most likely the need for a mental break, but I know that is truly not it. I usually fade in this area when I dislike the class or the subject matter. Or in this case, after much reflection, it’s the lack of interaction. For one class, there is not one shred of interaction with the professor. And for all the work expected of us?  A total point value of 50 points. That is not per each of the 7 assignments or each discussion, that is in totality for the entire semester.  Nuts.

I have been trying to supplement this lack of motivation for a class that is more independent study than an actual class, by reading other books, hanging out with friends, seeing more movies, being outside, doing more work with my job, and napping like nuts.  But still, I feel depleted by this class. It’s a huge weight, the monkey on my back.  I know, suck it up, it’s a temporary thing. But darn it, just can’t. I notice my friends who are in school talk about their classes in much the same way – counting down days, talking about the heavy reading load, upcoming papers or exams. It’s nice to know that I am not the only one sometimes 🙂  It often gives me that push to try to open that textbook one more time and give it another go.

April 26, 2010 at 2:08 pm Leave a comment

Radiation

Day 6 of 25 is complete.  It’s not too bad.  The area can be painful and tender to the touch.  Itchy too sometimes.  The tired, well that hasn’t gone away too much. I have still have some side-effects from chemo, none worth sharing (!!) other than my still numb fingertips.

On a side note:  I finally replaced my 15-year-old mattress yesterday.  I was working a bit on email and they came to deliver it and afterward, I promptly fell asleep for several hours.  Well, if that isn’t an endorsement for the brand, my choice and the need, not sure what is!!

Have a great day. I’m going to sit on my deck for a bit to do some more work.  I know, I am so lucky and I appreciate every minute of it.

April 19, 2010 at 11:09 am Leave a comment

Odd One

Odd one, you’re never alone
I’m here and I will reflect you
Both of us basically unattached
To anything or anyone unless we’re pretending
You live your life in your head
Some call it imagination
I’d rather focus instead on anything except
What I’m feeling

What I’m feeling
Odd one…

Hey, it’s gonna be okay
Hey, we’re gonna laugh at this one day

Odd one, I wish I was you
You’re never concerned with acceptance
We are all desperately seeking out, a
And fitting with anyone
Who will accept us
But not you, odd one

Hey, it’s gonna be okay
Hey, we’re gonna laugh at this one day

Hey, it’s gonna be okay
Hey, gonna laugh at this one day

Hey, it’s gonna be okay
Hey, we’re gonna laugh at this one day

Don’t let someone tell you you’re no-one
Don’t let someone tell you you’re no-one
Odd one…

Lyrics by Sick Puppies

April 13, 2010 at 8:51 am Leave a comment

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