Just plain tired

June 6, 2010 at 9:38 pm Leave a comment

I have more good days than I have bad, which is good. I slept for 13 hours again last night, so things are still taking a toll.

I have found the more people push me, the more I just walk away. I am tired of others’ agenda placed upon me.  Life is not a tic sheet.  Sometimes, friendship ebbs and flows.  I have friends I talk to every single day. Others I talk to once every few months. I feel no less connected to either.  I was reading Gilda Radner’s It’s Always Something yesterday and she mentioned how her mind wanted to do so much with her friends but her body didn’t always agree.  This happens to me a lot. Before I was told I had cancer and been muddling through with various symptoms and unknown effects for almost a year, I had no idea why this would happen to me.  Now, when it happens, I understand it more.  Apparently, others don’t understand it. Well, all I can say is, I wish you could. But if you can’t, there isn’t anything else I can do to explain it and I no longer want to try. It is exhausting feeling guilty for putting myself first and I’m not going to do it.  And I don’t anyone else should either.  The first person you should always take care of is you.  And no one should feel guilty about this.

So when I have those times when I am not doing anything, when the fatigue is out of control, when the lack of motivation is heavy, when I have some pains, I look to the simple things that make me smile.  I have said it many times before in this blog, but I like simple.  I don’t care that I am a simple girl. I do not like complicated. I do not like drama.  I like ease and simplicity.  And more and more, I am trying to find the smile inside so I don’t have to always obtain it externally.

Here are some of the things that make me smile when I am at home:

hearing the birds chirp on the trees outside my windows

watching the leaves sway

watching the bunnies frolic from my desk

being encased in kitty love during a nap – Mew on one side and Menley on the other

being able to just be .. with my thoughts and all my ideas

reading a book, uninterrupted, for hours, during the rain

watching the snow fall at night

a mug of hot tea

the little snores of two sleeping cats

sitting on my deck just enjoying the breeze or the sun or both

the amazing sunsets, a new amazing picture from mother nature every night

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Entry filed under: Books, Miscellania, pets, Relationships, thoughts, weather, well-being.

What matters most … Lost my way and I don’t care anymore

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